18. Why You’re Still Not Her: The Silent Mindset Blocks Keeping You Small
It’s getting frustrating now, isn’t it?
You’re fed up of thinking about it, visualising it, dreaming about it. Where the hell is it?
Where is the blossoming career? Where is the stronger body? Where is the money? Where is the love? Where are the signs that show I’m at least going the right way?
I hear you.
We all want to be her. The woman who walks into a room and makes it tilt. The woman whose mornings begin with clarity, whose voice doesn’t shake when she speaks, who moves like she knows exactly who she is and what she’s building.
We all want to be who we know we can be, iconic.
But let’s be honest—wanting isn’t enough.
Because between you and that version of yourself stands a quiet war. One that lives in your mind. A battle between the person you were told to be and the person you were born to become.
These mindset blocks aren’t necessarily loud. They don’t shout. They whisper. They sound like your own voice. And they’re the reason you’re not living as your most magnetic, aligned, and powerful self.
I wrote this article with my past self in mind, I guess a letter to the girl who used to feel like she was doing all the right things, but couldn’t figure out why she was still stuck in the same place emotionally.
If you’re there now, I see you. Let’s get into what’s really in the way.
Productivity vs Worthiness
For the longest time, I believed the only way to get anything close to feeling successful was to earn it through exhaustion. Hustle was my love language. I wore it like a badge of honour.
If I wasn’t drained, it meant I could do more. If I weren’t working late, it meant I had more to give. My eyes would have to fall at the computer before I decide to call it a night.
But beneath all that pushing was something much more fragile: I didn’t believe I was inherently worthy.
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
What I thought was drive was actually fear in disguise. Fear that if I slowed down, I wasn’t as capable, as perfect, or as valuable as I pretended to be.
But what I’ve learnt is that your worth is not determined by how much you produce. Your value doesn’t increase the more you hustle. You don’t have to perform to be enough.
And here’s the kicker, the most iconic version of you doesn’t rush. She’s not frantically multitasking or filling her diary, and is obsessed with being booked and busy.
She’s intentional. Deliberate. Aware. And she honours rest as much as she honours ambition.
The Good Girl Complex
Now don’t read this the wrong way, I never grew up as the ‘good girl’, I was rebellious, arrogant, outspoken and what someone would probably refer to as a ‘wild child’
I had fire in me from early on, bold, opinionated, and sometimes a little too loud for people’s comfort.
I could charm and challenge in the same sentence; however, this didn’t mean I was able to escape a few slices of insecurity. Whether I was styling for the red carpet, having meetings about my beauty product or helping a client transform their life, I wondered if I was good enough.
The more I did the inner work, I had that realisation: confidence isn’t the same as embodiment.
You can be the girl who walks into the room, owns it, and still not feel as though you truly belong. You can look bold on the outside, but still feel like you're performing a version of yourself that earns attention, love, and safety.
Being confident isn’t about being loud or liked or bold or edgy. It’s about being authentic. And authenticity requires you to get radically honest. Not just with the world, but with yourself:
Check you are really being yourself, not just the version of you that keeps you safe?
Are you expressing yourself, or performing a persona that’s been rewarded before?
Are you confident, or just convincing?
I’m much older than the version of me who was loud and in your face, it’s still there, but I know the concept of ‘there’s a time and a place’.
But the most powerful shift I made was learning how to be seen without the performance.
Romanticising Potential Instead of Reality
Did everyone else have five vision boards, seven Pinterest folders, and a manifestation playlist that could score a full movie?
It’s easy to confuse dreaming with doing. We get addicted to the fantasy of our dream life. But that’s the difference between those who get moving and those who struggle in stagnation.
I had to make sure I wasn’t more in love with the idea of my transformation than the actual embodiment of it.
Yes, I wanted to be her, but I didn’t want to leave behind the patterns, relationships, and identities that kept me rooted in the same cycle because that’ where it was safe. This taught me that:
Romanticising is only useful if it leads to embodiment.
Your journal is a portal, but only if you step through it.
Vision boards mean nothing if you don’t move like the woman who already has it.
At some point, you have to stop scripting it and start living it.
Fear of Outshining
It’s only recently I realised I how uncomfortable I felt about becoming ‘too successful’, it was a pattern I didn’t recognise until I reflected on it.
I would start a project, become successful at it, then back away. I did the same with Coffee Moon, it was easy when I had one hundred followers, then that grew to one thousand, then two thousand, then three, then people from around the world were telling me I was changing their life.
I’d often think “Shit, can I handle something that’ growing like this? Is it too much responsibility? That’s way too much attention”
So I’d try and water it down a bit , I held back on posting wins. I diluted my content so that it didn’t seem too complex. I didn’t want to be the one who “made it.” I wasn’t ready for what came with it.
But that wasn’t humility. That was self-sabotage.
If you’re afraid of being “too much,” ask yourself, too much for who?
The fear of outshining others or being recognised for being the best is often rooted in outdated dynamics.
Maybe your family conditioned you to play it safe. Maybe your friend group is bond over struggle and hardship. Maybe the people around you haven’t expanded yet, and you’re scared of disrupting the ecosystem.
But guess what? Your playing small serves no one. If your light triggers someone, they’re not your audience.
Let your transformation be the mirror that either wakes them up or has them sleeping on themselves
Your Ego’s Fear of Change (Even When It’s Good)
This one wrecked me in the most enlightening way. When I started actually getting what I wanted—more sales, more recognition, better relationships, I thought I’d feel nothing but bliss.
It’s a lie!
Well, that’s a bit dramatic because it’s not completely a lie, but no one seems to talk about what happens when you actually start bringing in your desires from the invisible to the visible.
Our egos are so addicted to the familiar. Even if the familiar is dysfunctional, we want to go back.
So much of self-sabotage is just the ego trying to restore “normal.” If you're used to struggling, success can feel unsafe. If you're used to being overlooked, visibility can feel like a threat. If you're used to chaos, peace can feel boring.
We all know that one person who, no matter what they do, end up in a toxic relationship, only to ask us why it’s always them.
We also know that one person who always complains about being broke, then suddenly they win a pot of gold on a scratch card, only to revert back to being broke months later.
You might sabotage the good because it doesn’t feel familiar.
You might overthink blessings until they don’t even feel like blessings anymore.
You might question the success you’ve earned because you haven’t yet expanded your capacity to receive it.
Your next level isn’t just about getting more. It’s about becoming the kind of woman who can hold and sustain more without flinching.
Finally
You’re not broken.
You’re not lazy.
You’re not “not trying hard enough.”
You’re just operating with a mental framework built by fear, survival, and societal programming—and you’ve finally outgrown it.
“She remembered who she was, and the game changed”
Become the woman you were always meant to be—not the one the world trained you to be.
Because once you clear the mental clutter?
You’ll realise you were her all along.
Pay it forward
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