How To Move On After Friendship Breakup
‘Girl squad’, ‘BFF’, ’besties’, ‘friends for life’, ‘day ones’, ‘homegirl, ‘ride or die’, ‘soul sisters’, ‘sister from another mister’, and it goes on.
The foundation of friendship is usually built on joy, laughter, fond memories, overcoming obstacles together, being each other’s rock at the lowest moments, as well as being each other’s sunlight at the highest.
It’s no secret that the elements of a true friendship form a strong bond and are set to last a lifetime, or so we think.
Our closest friends have usually been by our side during the best times as well as the worst, through the years they’ve gotten to learn all sides of us, our personality, our traits, our habits, good and bad, they know us like they know the back of their hand, or even yours.
So why, when these solid foundations of friendships are suddenly shaken, do we struggle and feel ill-equipped to navigate them?
Why Friendship Breakups Are Harder Than Romantic Relationships
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realise the long and short of it is simply that you hold your friends to a higher standard than you do with your romantic relationships.
There are enough sad songs, TV shows, films and personal experiences that outline the end of a romantic partnership and the many different ways of dealing with it (ironically, one of them being to talk to your best friend).
But, there is little advice as to who you turn to when the ending relationship is with the one person you pretty much called your sister.
Friendship breakups are much more heartbreaking because it was something you never anticipated would happen.
A genuine friendship is a space where you are comfortable enough to be your truest self and, in most cases, you consider your friend as family.
You envisioned your friend to be in your future mainly because you spoke so fondly of what was to come, and you had travel plans.
You were going to be there to celebrate with them once they reached the pinnacle of their career, you would be bridesmaids at each other’s weddings, you were going to be godmothers to each other’s kids, your kids would also be besties, your husbands would cheer beers together, the future was so bright.
And even if you’re more of a realist, you never expected that any obstacle couldn’t be overcome. Friends are always there for each other, right?
Particularly as women, we’re often trained to have each other’s backs unconditionally, we’re open and honest, and spend years, sometimes decades, building a sisterhood so strong that nothing could break it.
And then life happens…
What Causes a Friendship Breakup?
It’s impossible to pinpoint one subject as the root cause of every friendship breakup because, quite frankly, there are countless reasons at play.
It could include:
A lack of respect and reciprocity,
Dishonesty
Jealousy
Distance if you’re living further apart
Different priorities now you’re older
A lack of communication
No effort to make plans
A change in personalities
No longer having anything in common
But in this blog, I want to focus on the more complex aspects of an ending friendship, such as outgrowing each other.
Outgrowing one another is a bit trickier to navigate than having fallen out over a disagreement.
Because in this case, neither of you has any hard feelings or even a dislike towards the other.
Life just took you both down two different paths, and it ultimately comes down to whether you can get back on the same page or decide to go your separate ways.
It’s important to remember that outgrowing your friend/s doesn’t necessarily mean saying you’ve grown up and your friend hasn’t, or vice versa, nor does it imply they are too immature to be friends with anymore (although that might be the reason).
But what I mean is, find acceptance that you just don’t fit in each other’s lives anymore, either one of you has completely grown into a different person, or you both have, your relationship is no longer a match, and that is okay.
Can You Make Up After a Friendship Breakup?
Absolutely, you can, especially if it was initially built on a solid foundation of respect.
I reconnected with my best friend after years of not talking. When we met up, it was like I only seen her the week before.
Admittedly, we had to briefly discuss what went wrong because we knew we couldn’t sweep it under the rug and move forward without doing so, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.
She was more like my sister, and still felt like my sister even after all those years apart.
What was funny is that after talking about what happened, it turns out there were points in both of our lives throughout the ten years where we both were hoping to hear from one another and become friends again, but we were both too young and stubborn to be the one to reach out first.
Before completely ending a friendship, decide if it is worth repairing and giving it another shot.
Go by how you feel. If you are content with the friendship coming to an end, then maybe there’s nothing to restore.
If you’re missing your friend and always wondering and hoping things will get better, then I’d say go for it.
Let’s be honest, how many of us have given a guy who proved they were not worthy of our time another chance?
Perhaps you could share the same consideration with a friend.
Give them the benefit of the doubt and see if they are willing to talk about what has gone wrong.
Before reaching out, I’d suggest taking a few deep breaths to relax, you don’t want to go full steam ahead or sound too irritated especially if you have a lot to get off your chest, this will instantly put them in defensive mode and the conversation will go completely left which is not the end goal if you are trying to save the friendship.
Talk to them about the direction you feel your friendship is heading, or how their actions have made you feel.
They might have been so wrapped up in their world that they were totally oblivious that anything was wrong in the first place, and be prepared to take accountability.
Take Accountability
Friendship is not a one-way street, and it would be wise to take a moment to reflect on the part you have played up until this point.
Could you have made more effort in arranging to meet up?
Could you have called instead of waiting to be called?
Could you have asked instead of assuming?
Could you have spoken up earlier about what was bothering you before it got to the boiling point?
Be honest with yourself, because these are the questions your friend will probably have for you.
This way, if and when they bring it up, you will already be prepared with an answer, and it will also show that you’re not solely placing the entire blame on them, and might encourage them to be more open about their side and how they feel.
Lastly, don’t force it. If your friend doesn’t want to talk about it or talk to you at all, then it is time to just move on.
Don’t keep calling, or texting, and certainly do not beg. Understand that no response is a response.
And on the other hand, if your friend is willing to discuss after you’ve talked it through and you both have gotten a chance to express both sides of the story, let things continue to happen naturally and allow the way it was supposed to be, be.
Perhaps your friendship was meant to end at this point, only to reunite later in your journey, where you’re both more aligned, and sometimes this is just where the line ends.
If neither of you can come to a common ground or at least be cordial, accept that the friendship cannot evolve any further and move forward.
How To Move On After a Friendship Breakup
If you have realised that there is no way of salvaging your friendship, the first thing you need to know is that this is incredibly normal and that friendships come to an end almost every day.
Depending on the reason for the separation, a friendship breakup can be hurtful and upsetting, especially if you were very close, had great fun and invested a lot of time and energy into it.
At the same time, once you understand that this is just how life goes sometimes, the easier it is to deal with.
Take a different perspective, and instead of focusing on what went wrong with your ex-friend, focus on having gratitude for everything great about your friendship.
The memories you created together, the joyous moments, the laughs, and being grateful the universe allowed you to cross paths to create those memories, even if it was briefly.
Doing this will cause a shift in the way you view that person and reduce negative thoughts and anger them allowing you to move on without residue of hate or bitterness.
Another important thing to mention is, do not make mutual friends choose between you and your ex-friend, not only is it immature, but you have no right to tell anyone who they can be friends with. On top of that, chances are you’ll do more damage than good; you might even end up losing another friend in the process.
As long as you can have respect for each other’s decisions, there should be no reason for another divide.
Appreciate that smaller circles can be a blessing, something I’ve wised up to is that it’s not the number of friends you have, it’s the quality of the friendship and if they are strong enough to withstand a storm.
Start to focus on and strengthen the current friendships you have, which are working.
If you’re someone who thrives on having lots of friends or you don’t have many and would like to make new ones, there are a few different ways to go about it.
Take up a new hobby, an exercise class, or a Facebook group sparking conversations with like-minded people.
And finally, practice self-love, which will be more important than ever during this time. When your mind goes quiet at night, you might find yourself revisiting the situation and subsequently blaming yourself for the ending of your friendship.
Do not speak unkind words about yourself, or beat yourself up about the situation; it’s just one of those things.
Nurture yourself in whichever way this means to you; there’s no telling how long it’ll take to completely move forward without any hard feelings. It’s a week, for others it could be a year or even longer.
Either way, know that this is a small chapter of your journey, and sometimes things fall apart so that better things can come together.
